I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
