Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
