Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
