i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
