Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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