found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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