I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
