cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
