she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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