i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
