come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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