The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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