I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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