I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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