oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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