Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
