I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
