Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
