genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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