someone owes me an orgasm
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
