we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill