I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.