a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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