Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
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And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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