I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
