I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
meet me or not, i'm out of control
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
