i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
