I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
