why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
