Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
4 words: hood of his car
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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