i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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