If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
