I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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