i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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