When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
