I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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