Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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