Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
