I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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