I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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