I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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