I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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