My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
