is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
