you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
