Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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