I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
