how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
