So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
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We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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