Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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