I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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