dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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