Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
