Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
