I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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