oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
